Negative emotions rob your energy and take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit. My family had briefly gone to counseling about this, but it really was never talked about. Listening to Conor, however, she began to feel different, and when she was called on to speak, she said he should receive no less than 5 years, no more than 15. It had been a year since her daughters murder and people had been giving her books about grief, but she told me that this was the first book that she could relate to. Normally reserved for smaller infractions such as robberies, this was the first time that such a thing had been attempted in a murder case. Because we could forgive, people can say her name. Because he knew there would be a backlash.. I cant tell you what I was thinking, Andy says. I want to forgive; let me find that place of forgiveness. What does restorative justice ask of the victims side? Ann and Conor fought on Friday night. Not everyone felt comfortable with the restorative-justice circle or how it resolved: there were angry letters on local news sites denouncing the sentence as too light. Everything I feel, I can feel because we forgave Conor, Kate said. While at the hospital, Kate discovered Conor had put her name on his jail visitation list. But we wanted to be able to participate in this as much as we could. Eyes cast downward, he said, There are moments when you realize: I am in prison. Im sick of the fighting. They had a voice. After Kate Grosmaire visited McBride in jail, she was asked by Balinga how she felt about forgiving him after such a tragedy. One Sunday at church, however, they read 2 Corinthians 2, where Paul is telling the Corinthians that if someone has done something wrong and you forgive them in Christ, I must forgive them as well. At first, Baliga says, I had mistrust of the potential for people to be this amazing. After a few minutes of talking with them, though, she says, I just couldnt keep saying no.. Had the circle really worked? Kate asked. He asked McBride to sit in his office, where the young man began to weep. But what I told him was how I felt at that moment., Thank you for being here, Andy told Michael, but I might hate you by the end of the week., I knew that we were somehow together on this journey, Andy says now. As an undergraduate at Harvard-Radcliffe, she was fairly certain she wanted to become a prosecutor and lock up child molesters. Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice? She was the one who told us that Ann had been shot, Kate says. . What do you want from all of this? he asked. But if theyre not sorry for what theyve done and theyre not promising to be a better person and not do that harm again, youre not obligated to have a relationship with them. I can be sad, but I dont have to stay stuck in that moment where this awful thing happened. When everyone had spoken, Baliga turned to the Grosmaires, and acknowledging their immediate loss, she asked what they would like to see happen to attempt restitution. In hindsight, Kate sees the restorative-justice process as a sort of end in itself. Most modern justice systems focus on a crime, a lawbreaker and a punishment. What Campbell didnt realize was that the Grosmaires didnt want Conor to spend his life in prison. They told me about restorative justice. Youth Pastors Ditch Gross-Out Games and Help Student Ministry Grow Up, Died: Charles Stanley, In Touch Preacher Who Led with Stubborn Faith, My Church Band Raised a Hallelujah on Netflixs Beef, Complete access to articles on ChristianityToday.com, Over 120 years of magazine archives plus full access to all of CTs online archives. Conor says he doesnt know why he did so I was in a state of shock but knowing she could visit put a burden on Kate. In the years since Anns death in 2010, Kate and Andy have become a spiritual mother and father to the young man who took their daughters life, nurturing his newfound faith, and attending his baptism. I realized it was not just Ann asking me to forgive Conor, it was Jesus Christ, Andy recalls. They fought about the mundane things that many couples might fight about, but instead of resolving their differences or shaking them off, they kept it up for two nights and two mornings, culminating in the moment that McBride shot Grosmaire, who was on her knees, in the face. Was it like this for the rest of your family? The second, she says, was to align myself with my enemy; to consider opening my heart to them. The exchange in Campbells office turned their understanding of Conors situation upside down and gave them an unexpected challenge to grapple with. When he returned, he found her lying on the couch, breathing in a way that seemed to indicate distress. Conor owed us a debt he could never repay. The second misunderstanding about forgiveness is that its reconciliation. Permissions. Then DeFoor had an idea: What about the pre-plea conference? Right away the lawyers knew this could work. McBride, who was 19 when he murdered their daughter, is currently serving a 20-year sentence, which is much shorter than usual in these crimes. Anns mother said later, Everything I feel, I can feel because we forgave Conor. Conor says he doesnt know why he did so I was in a state of shock but knowing she could visit put a burden on Kate. Three weeks after the conference, citing Conors senseless act of domestic violence, Campbell wrote the Grosmaires to inform them he would offer Conor a choice: a 20-year sentence plus 10 years of probation, or 25 years in prison. He wanted to be sure I had gone through the proper analysis, Campbell says, and that it was for the right motivations. Kate took the seat opposite Conor, and he immediately told her how sorry he was. Ann was taken off life support that afternoon. With the Grosmaires forgiveness, he told me, I could accept the responsibility and not be condemned. Forgiveness doesnt make him any less guilty, and it doesnt absolve him of what he did, but in refusing to become Conors enemy, the Grosmaires deprived him of a certain kind of refuge of feeling abandoned and hated and placed the reckoning for the crime squarely in his hands. Tell me about the relationship that your mother struck up with Conors mother, Julie McBride. In many instances, it comes down to how good of a lawyer you could afford. We went from when she was being born all the way up, Andy says. Because of their initiative, he never went to trial and ultimately took a plea deal for 20 years with 10 years of probation along with anger management classes, volunteering, and speaking on teen dating violence. There are times when such a decision, while difficult, is not complicated. The article then goes on to detail the actual process of restorative justice, which requires all parties involved to meet together around a tablein the presence of the DAand share every detail of what transpired. STORY CONTINUES BELOW. (Ann had instinctually reached to block the gunshot, and lost fingers.) At this point, I just lost it, Conor says. She loved kids; she was our only daughter who wanted to give us grandchildren. She had talked of opening a wildlife refuge after college. Before this happened, I loved Conor, she says. In our situation, we were allowed to see Conor, and he was allowed to tell us that he was sorry. Instead, he left the house and drove around in a daze until he decided to turn himself in. In fact, its almost too much. Campbell told me that in arriving at those numbers, he needed to feel certain that a year or 20 years down the road, I could tell somebody why I did it. Andy and Kate visit him regularly and call him weekly. When the Grosmaires decided to pursue the restorative justice approach, prosecutor Jack Campbell of the state attorneys office had not heard of the process.