But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! His response? I find out later that there was a girl on the trip with them and he was sleeping with her before Paris , in Paris and after Paris. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. I just know the longer we go on like this, the more we are forgetting who eachother really is. And I admit to my flaws, but its hard to look back at those flaws when im sitting here dealing with a man who had another RELATIONSHIP during our marriage. Hes slowly deconstructing their lives by ruining us financially. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. Then they go back to their affair partner and talk about it. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. But I think for so many spouses/partners, you can tell the CS the A is over. Its good to have a place to unload. I started to prepare for a divorce. No yelling. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. DO NOT mention the A or EA or whatever he is doing. He said to me a few weeks ago that when we first separated, after a little while he was convinced I was seeing someone else, so he kind of knows how I feel..and I was like umm? I wish he had any idea how this feels. YOU let him contact you. I asked him if he would be willing to go, and he said yes. And I am much happier this way. I know it does. Big difference! And I didnt, and I will always regret that. The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. Hi I will love to talk to you since you have already make it to the other side im 6 months from d-day at 1st I was the one waiting to fix things but he was in the fog now he is the one trying to come back but im so hurt.. he is trying to control me and manipulate me with $and our son. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. Just to protect yourself. In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. They always make me feel so much better. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. I make sure I am in control off my life. I feel like I hate the guy! I was the work person, telling him to come home, help, clean, etc. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. He was still cheating. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. It can lead to a renewed marriage. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. But i do feel that way. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! He may be saying Im not talking to the OW but hes not saying who he is talking to until 2 am. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Sarah | The Hearts Blessing Presents Series Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. When you become less available you may see a change. That it is disrespectful to agree to something and turn around and do the opposite. So sorry for you. You are tired of living in limbo. It blows my mind honestly. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. I thought we were past the A. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. A 2 time looser. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. I want him to fight for us. I have been in your shoes. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. Then soon after that we started to have sex again, then things started to move back to us being together again and I think it spooked him as soon as I pressured him to not be out too late and stick to his word about things. But my prior post to you was he wants a M on his terms only. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. And I read these things and just cant seem to accomplish it. I wish I could control it. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. Or get him to make a decision. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. It blew my mind. You can only change how you react to him. So I was alone with my counselor. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. Just know you cannot change him. My mind truthfully runs rampant, its horrible. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. You lose all credibility and power. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. I am not going anywhere for now, but he doesnt need to know that. They certainly know how to twist the knife, dont they? I know where you are right now. My theory is you are either with me or not. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. Living like hes single but still getting to come home to me and the baby every night. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. Again I think there is more to this story. BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. My H expected me to be on board with his new lifestyle of being a cheater. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. He did not know what he wanted. And then he met this OW and everything changed. Those are his choices. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. Dishonest. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. We BS call it the cheaters manual b/c the behavior is so darn predictable. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. We havent had sex in almost 2 weeks, and I feel like when that stops its easier and easier to get into the friend role. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. Thank you again for sharing your stories! Its indifference. It financially protects me. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. Nothing changed. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. Sorry to say. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. Until then, it is his issue and his problem. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. The ego boost. He doesnt want your help. I dont know how this has happened. It is SO BIZARRE. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. Those days are gone. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. You deserve better. I told him I know you email her. QUESTION? I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. And I think he knows it too. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. Someone who would literally do ANYTHING for me. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. You may want to plan differently for your future based on the information. She doesnt trust him. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. Cannot last. He leaves for work and I just immediately feel like okay, heres another day to get through. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what.